Random thoughts...
A month bak I was talking to a friend on phone and he asked me if I was planning to work after marriage. I was shocked beyond words... Man, would I work all my way up to studying in a premier B-school just to end up sitting at home!! A week back I was chit-chatting with 2 of my friends here. We kinda landed up in this discussion regarding career n gals.
One of them belongs to a conservative religion and community. She was telling us that when she got admit to this B-school her relatives were rather cynical about her studying further! The reason - it is difficult to get a qualified guy in the same community once she finishes studying. Thinking about it, if not for my parents being educated, same would have been my case. Some of my friends who were bright students while at school and some even toppers during graduation, got married at 20 and 21 due to parental pressure. Naturally they go to any damn place their spouse is situated in... and career is the last thing on mind then! Sad to see many intelligent minds being arrested in the name of marriage!
I came across an ad in a matrimonial column - "The guy wants a gal who is very fair, beautiful, good-looking, a post graduate and is willing to be a housewife"!! Leaving aside the complexion part, y wud someone want his wife to be a post graduate if he is not willing to let her work. It is a different case if the gal choses not to work. Talking about the complexion-craziness, if I may call so, a look at the matrimonial column would vouch for the fact that every guy wants a model for a life-partner! Even better, there was a recent ad seeking a 'British-white' girl in India!!
Am no female-chauvinist and my opinions here are directed towards the society and not the Indian male. I personally know of guys whom I respect for their opinions and empathy towards Indian women. One thing's for sure... the society is fast changing throwing the MCPs out of fashion. Attitudes and opinions should be influenced at the root level. The society is changing for the better and I'm sure me & a thousand women of the present will raise our sons to be the men that we desire the society to be filled with!
One of them belongs to a conservative religion and community. She was telling us that when she got admit to this B-school her relatives were rather cynical about her studying further! The reason - it is difficult to get a qualified guy in the same community once she finishes studying. Thinking about it, if not for my parents being educated, same would have been my case. Some of my friends who were bright students while at school and some even toppers during graduation, got married at 20 and 21 due to parental pressure. Naturally they go to any damn place their spouse is situated in... and career is the last thing on mind then! Sad to see many intelligent minds being arrested in the name of marriage!
I came across an ad in a matrimonial column - "The guy wants a gal who is very fair, beautiful, good-looking, a post graduate and is willing to be a housewife"!! Leaving aside the complexion part, y wud someone want his wife to be a post graduate if he is not willing to let her work. It is a different case if the gal choses not to work. Talking about the complexion-craziness, if I may call so, a look at the matrimonial column would vouch for the fact that every guy wants a model for a life-partner! Even better, there was a recent ad seeking a 'British-white' girl in India!!
Am no female-chauvinist and my opinions here are directed towards the society and not the Indian male. I personally know of guys whom I respect for their opinions and empathy towards Indian women. One thing's for sure... the society is fast changing throwing the MCPs out of fashion. Attitudes and opinions should be influenced at the root level. The society is changing for the better and I'm sure me & a thousand women of the present will raise our sons to be the men that we desire the society to be filled with!
posted by Priya | 10:58 AM
13 Comments:
What is wrong with a guy looking for a girl who has completed Post graduation and wants her to be a house wife. That is his what he wants from his wife. He is not compelling anybody to be his wife...
You can never say that this means that the guy is a MCP. He might want to achieve things in life and this is what he might want form his wife. And he is telling it before marrying her. What else would you want?
The only difference I see is that I dont find a similar Matrimonial Ad from a girl. There lies the problem... Frankly, tell me, if you want such a guy, who has to look after all the house chores, the babies and who shouldnt go to work, will you be able to do that? Peraonally...
See, I really know house wives with Graduatuion and good education who are happy being housewives!! If I am not wrong Sudha Moorthy was one...
one doubt - what on earth does this stmt mean? "He might want to achieve things in life and this is what he might want form his wife." i find no analogy between these....
well well... u r absolutely right while saying that a guy can voice his expectations and this does not necessitate anyone to oblige! but then knowing Indian society i beg to differ from ur further points!
am amongst the lucky few who could study and do things in life for myself! there r lots of women out there who go thru graduation jus bcoz men these days look for graduate wives. they are not allowed to pursue post graduation coz it is difficult finding a suitable match if they do! in economic terms, its a demand supply match where men have the bargaining power hands down!! forget the career part of it.. if some unknown guy who is to be the future hubby has so much of a say in the gal's life pre-marriage... no doubt her working/not working is totally in his hands!!
its men who dictate the terms of the Indian society. but i also would like to add that women of the same society fuel this discrimination!! If I want a guy who cud look after all the house chores.. I cant demand coz I am a woman!! that's all the reason is.. I dont blame the men of today. I am blaming the system in which they r brought up and groomed that makes them so!
there r gals who have done graduation and are housewives... extremely happy!! 100% agreed!!! that is when they choose to do so. in the same society there r a handful of women who want to do lots of things but r constrained by the bondage of marriage. I know of really talented women who's talent is burnt away spending hours in the kitchen and nothing else. one more thing... jus bcoz a woman is wrking does not mean she is doing all that she wants to in life! my mom is working but i know my dad restricts her in lotsa things that she mite otherwise wanna pursue!
probably am voicing the opinion of only 25% of the Indian women. Frankly speaking, the debate on Sudha Murthy's withdrawal from Infosys is still on. Its still held that she was more intelligent than her hubby but left way for him as per Indian societal rules!
Stop looking @ the matrimonial ads! I would appreciate if you can come out as an woman entrepreneur (after your B-School) and serve this society.
oh ho. the two of you hold on.. but it is quite nice to see good debate going on here.. so let me join in with my take on your post
POINT: I dont believe in anyone imposing thougths on anyone else. so your spouse should be as free and mature to take a decision on thier life.-- be it be working or be a housewife.
but having said that, I got a few questions for priya here.
1) lets assume a state wherein you have a good career at bombay and you husband has just been posted to delhi or say the US. what would you do.. would you sacrifice your career to go there.( I believe you are in XLRI and XLRI might not be a reputed name to get a that good mgmt job in US).
2) After you have a baby, would you stay at home to look after you small kid or leave them to a creche when they are 3/4. ( Psst: would u have been the same person, if your grown up in a creche).
3) I understand you are at XL, and would eventuallly land up a high pressure, high paying job, & now would you want a life, when on a typical day , both you and your husband comes home late and very tired, without any energy to talk and listen to each other. - Is this kind of life worth all the effort and money.
Psst: I am sorry I dont mean to hurt anybody sentiment, but I simply am unable to understand how a working career women is able to take a decision for all the dilemma's she has in life.
@ anonymous..
thx for pitchin in! well if u ask me few questions i wudnt b able to answer them now!! a working woman has to abide by few things beyond her own wishes.. am sure am not gonna quit my job after i hav a baby! my mom was working too! i am sure i can manage. well, the answer to the 3rd qn seemed ok too. i'll choose a job that wudnt keep me at office beyond 7.30 pm on normal days! that's for sure... choosing HR for a profession was done having that in mind.
am sure i'll be able to handle 99% of the situations in life as a working woman. my mom is working too. its not all that tuf but then thr r compromises. depends on individual preferences. for me career is def important. if at all my hubby goes abroad for a year or two i wud prefer working in India in that period I guess.
hmm that was good.... guess afterall in life there a lot of complications for which we got no answer.. and we just got to take it as it comes. :)
btw its nice to see that you are strong and bold, keep it up - maybe education made you like this way. wish there were more independent people like you :)
@anonymous
Thx... am sure there r much more stronger and intelligent women in the remote corners of our country. Wish they get the same opportunities and independence that I enjoyed!
I don't agree with whatever you have said mainly because you haven't supported them adequately... and yes you do sound like a female chauvinist to me :)
You have quoted a random matrimonial AD to generalize something. I don't think all guys are like that.. I am a guy living in the US and have seen quite the opposite.. No kidding, I have seen ADs where the gal works at Seattle and wants the guy to be also working at Seattle.. This is OK.. Infact the AD goes one step further and says if the guy is from any other place, he should relocate to Seattle.. Does this one particular AD mean all girls are like this? Hell no. Also would I fault the girl for putting up such an AD? Definitely NOT. People have their own expectations when it comes to a life's decision such as marriage.. Only time will tell whether their expectations were reasonable or not. And gimme a break! Talking about expectations, girls have far more expectations than guys do.. May be you don't.
"Sad to see many intelligent minds being arrested in the name of marriage!"
I am not sure how you have the bloody wrong impression about marriage. Infact all of my friends (both India and US) who have gotten married, their wives have gone on to pursue careers after studying after marriage. The trend is changing these days. Guys are more open and way sensible than what you think they are.. As everywhere, there might be a few exceptions here and there!
"am sure i'll be able to handle 99% of the situations in life as a working woman."
Hmm.. I don't want to say anything about your above comment but things change in the course of time. Trust me, what is important to you now will not even be remotely important 5 years from now leave alone 20 years down the line!
"if at all my hubby goes abroad for a year or two i wud prefer working in India in that period I guess."
Why do you think that this is the only option possible? What makes you think that you can't pursue a great career wherever your husband is?
Having said all this, I strongly feel that girls should study, pursue whatever they want to do and be independent. But there has to be a balance. You don't marry someone just for the sake of marrying and then live at 2 different places pursuing your own career.. The word 'independent' before marriage becomes 'inter-dependent' after marriage where both the girl and the guy need each other. As long as they mutually respect each other's feelings things will be great!
Being able to live together making those small compromises (both the guy and the gal) is the beauty of the Indian system as opposed to the western system..
I have known several women (my sister-in-law for example) who balance both their family and work life very well after marriage, making those minor adjustments along the way. So the girl has a part to be play in this, instead of squarely blaming the society/guys.
Essentially, whatever is done, should be within reason. Good luck pursuing your MBA.
@ vidhyash
thx for visitin n takin out time for a long comment :D am gearin up for a long reply too.
agreed.. not too many supporting statements. the post was a compilation of thought process going on over a long period of time n hence mite not b elaborate enuf to substantiate the statements made.
I said am not a chauvinist coz even i have been brought up to believe that women should be the ones naturally making those compromises required in life!!
well.. this was not against all guys. but against the attitude of few who do things tht can change the fate of another human being (the gal ofcourse!!)
it is one's birthrite to have a set of expectations.. but the problem is when this sets the trend of affecting the lives of other human beings!
again... am not against marriage! am infact for it. mayb i was not making my point too clear. the voice i was raising was for the gals who actually suffer after marriage n not all gals who get married!!! i know of lotsa gals who r happy after marriage. even the gals who probably hav been stopped frm pursuing higher education for marriage r quite happy. but i hav been witness to many talented women who cudnt pursue their career after marriage due to the constraints it poses... not tht they r sad n leadin a terrible life coz of that.
one of my friends(a guy) asked me if thr will ever be a state when Indian women will raise up to occupying high positions in companies (rite now we hav only few examples of women in ICICI n Kiran Shaw). he said tht an Indian male can never tolerate his wife raising above him. i was confident while saying tht Indian men have changed a lot n they will change their attitude in the coming few days. hats off to u guys... but i am sure the guys i salute form less than 40% of the Indian male population!! am sure more are joining the line!!!
well, about ur statement on y i shudnt shift career to the place whr my hubby is wrking if he moves for a coupla years. if i have sufficient opportunities i wud b willing to move. if not, i wud b happy to spend a coupla years even with him arnd... that's all i meant!!
i second ur thoughts on gals education. adjustments r essential from both sides n am sure lotsa women r making things wrk wonderfully. i jus hope i can emulate the same... men these days r definitely much more accomodating. the urban ones... am proud of them!
@ karthik.. yes i did and that was 3 years back!
Hi Priya,
i completely agree with your views. Hey ppl, not here to comment about men but yes the "society". I can very much relate most of them I know with this article. Be it my relatives, my friends, also my own sisters and cousins....Females who were gold medalists in schools n colleges, ended up in "kitchen". Amazing talent gone for a toss. Not that their parents were not educated. But they too are helpless. It is not so easy to find a guy in your so called "community" who is equally qualified. I heard, society is changing...Believe me, it must be happening at a very slow pace.
Infact when females start attending college, they are said, "Anyway, you have to ultimately sit in kitchen...why wasting your dad's money". I know females, who completed LLB(lawyer), CA, MBBS and doing nothing professionaly today. Can you imagine what they must have expected and what life gave in return. Its not that they are not happy in their married life today. It is the matter of their talent, their potential, their dreamz???
I atleast got an opportunity to experience the corporate life for some while. Not sure for how long will I be able to enjoy this. Only a miracle can save my dreams...
@ anonymous
Thanks for ur comments. I truly hope u get to do wat u want to in life! few guys do feel that the post is against them. but it is not! being a gal in this conservative society brings to light lotsa untold tales. Wake up people!!
Went thru your blog.. is very thought full.
I want to ask you a question. Should the complexion of a girl matter while marrying her?
I know of a girl who is very good and likes me for what I am. Now she proposed and I think I like her. And thinking in the lines to go ahead with the proposal and Marry her. But when my friends and all the people that I know, tell me that boss you could wait and marry a girl who has that fair skin!! ?? it hurts me.. I start thinking if my decision is wrong? Can you guys answer me.. waiting to read something that will put be at ease.
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